Capitalizing on recent findings[i] that suggest a biologically political predisposition in the human brain, Pfizer has announced a new drug that could help clinch both the Senate and Presidency for the GOP in 2012. Called Conservatol®, this daily chemical supplement has been shown in clinical studies to enhance the amygdalal region of the brain. Integral to emotional learning and consolidated memory, the amygdala also contributes to a person’s sensitivity to fear behavior and personal space. To make room for the improved amygdala Conservatol® makes cutbacks in other, left-leaning parts of the brain, particularly the anterior cingulate cortex[ii]. In its enhanced state, key platform issues such as national security and lower estate taxes trump those more influenced by the ACC, such as socialism and popular science. Already Republicans are excited for this new pharmaceutical, hoping that it will usher in a new wave of support unseen since the 1994 elections.
Side effects may include: dry mouth, dizziness, intensified sense of smell, heightened furcht, inability to detect errors and general inattention, difficulty resolving stimulus conflict, bowel trauma, emotional instability, internal bleeding, and in severe cases, akinetic mutism. Use as directed.
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